Once More, With Feeling!

What I am only now slowly realising — with the sort of bluntness of wit I would never have dared to apply to my professional work — is that I haven’t just quit my job; I have left a whole career behind. It’s still there, it still exists. I just won’t be using it anymore.

That’s one of the reasons I changed my name on Linkedin. Michelle Chowdhury was a lawyer. She was dual qualified in England and New York (i.e. twice as qualified as she needed to be). She was a published writer and invited speaker at legal conferences. She worked for some of the best law firms in the world, as well as government agencies and international institutions. While no one actually ever used the phrase “legal whizz” out loud, you could tell they were thinking it. She was dependable, reliable; a “safe pair of hands”. She was, in short, a workerbee.

Michelle Meagher is going to be something else entirely. And being free is only the start of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my achievements as a lawyer, and the skills and experiences I gathered in those eight unforgiving years will be invaluable as I go forward (please god let this be true). But I also feel compelled to draw a line under my past and to shed that cloak before donning a new one – one that fits me a little better. And (hopefully) makes me look taller.

So I am having my second bite of the apple, my second turn around the merry-go-round. And it’s so different this time.

When I left university I was so ambitious and I was convinced that “great things” lay in my future. This conviction, though fairly baseless and arbitrary, was very strongly held, if only vaguely defined. I thought as long as I pushed hard it didn’t matter much which direction I channeled my efforts. The destination was clear – I wanted to achieve “success”. So I plowed ahead, undeterred that my life didn’t really resemble my original idea of a happy existence. You see, I thought this was a necessary pain. I thought I was paying my dues.

You probably already know what the punchline is. It’s not the destination that matters, it’s the journey. It’s the stuff you do on your way there. It turns out that, as Alan Watts, the man who brought zen teachings to the Western world, so beautifully said “we missed the point all along. It was a musical thing; we were supposed to sing or dance while the music was playing”. Because, without wanting to sound too morbid, the “destination” is actually, er, how do I put this? It’s the end of the line; the point of no return. The ultimate end; the one we’re all headed to. It’s death.

How did this massive confusion of ends and means arise? The popular trend these days seems to be to allege a nasty generational conspiracy, in which all elders are supposedly complicit. They told us if we worked hard then we’d be happy. Trickery! They told us we’d have a job for life. Deceit! They promised us an easy life, easy money, and bags and bags of happiness and contentment. Lies!

But I don’t think I can claim to have been duped. My unfortunate conclusion is that the only person I can hold accountable for my decisions is myself – I have tried blaming my parents and they’re not having any of it.

I’m wondering if what was at play was less a large-scale fraud and more the natural way of things. Here’s how I look at it: in your teens, you do as your parents say (or I did anyway, aside from a few minor transgressions). In your 20’s you do as you like, but guided by the collected wisdom of your parents, teachers and other well-meaning advisers, whose advice, in turn, is based on their own experiences of young adulthood, which will have taken place between 10 to 60 years previously. Now I’m coming up to my 30’s and the ground appears to have shifted. I’m doing as I want, but this time I have a clearer idea of what those wants are, unjaundiced by the hopes and desires of those around me. The cumulative effect of decades of good advice has either worn off or is finally paying dividends because I feel much better equipped to view it with objectivity. I am also able to supplement it with my own experiences of what it is to be this age in 2013 – something about which my well-intentioned elders knew nothing.

So this time it’s different, it feels different. This time my eyes are open and my vision unblinkered. This time I can see further in front of me. This time it’s all about the journey – not where I’m going but how I get there. This time I’m not alone because, along with my husband Dan I’m part of a team now (“Team Awesome”). This time I’m going to love every minute of it.

It’s Act 2. Take 2. Part 2. A second chance. A do-over! Once more around the block. Once more, with feeling!

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Love links, hate distractions. Now that you’re done, here are some internet bits to put this article in context:

The Zen Wisdom of Alan Watts Animated by the Creators of South Park

Probably the best Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode Ever

The Career Path Myth

People often visualise their careers as a journey along a path. Usually the image conjured is a long and winding trail. Forks in the road represent alternative choices. The gradient could represent how hard we have to work for our rewards – an uphill struggle versus coasting downhill. Sometimes we run into obstacles. These can be random, natural occurrences — a fallen tree, a flood — but sometimes it’s other people who are standing in our way — a roadblock, a check-point, a gatekeeper. Other road users may try to push past you or elbow you out of their way or trample right on top of you. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is on some invisible travelator while your sluggish and laboured steps take you no further forward. Sometimes you are lost.

This is how my career felt until very recently. I felt like I was sprinting down the path, though not getting much further. I really wasn’t sure where I was going, but it was taking a lot of effort to get there. Then I came across a wall. Tall, solid and full of foreboding. The first time, I went around it. This involved a detour into a ditch of despair (aka a string of all-nighters) but I made it to the other side. As I moved on I couldn’t help but glance back at the blockade and wonder what it meant.

Soon after, I came across another wall. Then another. Then another. Each time I would go around the wall, but it got harder and harder to find my way back to the main path. Soon I couldn’t seen anything ahead but walls, all the way to the horizon.

Then the next time I came to a wall there was no way round. All sides were blocked and it went off to infinity to the left and to the right. I had no choice. So I went through it.

Bursting through the barricade I found I had entered a world where there is no path, only wide open space. I can do anything I want. It’s so simple but so powerful. I feel so free and open and light – weightless almost. Like a bungee chord tied to my back has been cut and I am able to run forward or backward or to the side, unencumbered. I feel like I’ve swallowed the red pill, but reality is so much better than the collective hallucination.

I’m off the path; there is no path. Instead I find myself on the edge of my known world, looking down the cliffside onto the sparkling sea of opportunity. I am ready to jump; I want to jump. I can’t wait to get going, to start the business that I lie awake thinking about, the one I used to furtively research in between meetings and in the cab-ride home from work at 2 in the morning.

So why haven’t I started it yet? What’s with all this self-exploration and contemplation? If this was my dream — my true passion — shouldn’t I be getting on with it already?

I’m thinking of it as acclimatisation. I am letting it sink in. I am getting used to my new-found freedom; my life without a path. I am savouring the delicious moment. So I am cooking and sleeping and seeing friends. I’m writing and reflecting on my journey so far.

This is my moment of calm before I start running again, although this time in no particular direction. This is my deep breath before the plunge. And, I’ve got to say, it feels pretty good.

T-Minus: Countdown to the End of Career #1

4, 3, 2, 1

This blog is for anyone who has ever thought there must be more to life than this.

My name is Michelle Meagher. I’m almost 30 and I’ve just quit my well-paid and prestigious job at one of the best law firms in the world to “pursue my dreams”. If you’re not quite sure what that means then, full disclosure: nor am I.

If you feel like you’re grinding away at a career that doesn’t excite you, like you’re going through the motions, living for the weekend, or living someone else’s ambitions then I know exactly how you feel, because that’s how I felt until March this year. That was when my brain exploded and I realised that my whole approach to life and career choices, as dutifully applied and religiously followed through school, university and into the working world, was not going to magically bring the life of happiness and contentment I had hoped for. Wow, I couldn’t have been more wrong really.

Long days, late nights, hurried meals at my desk. Cancelling on friends, always at the last minute. A constant feeling of tension and unease. Fast food and lots of caffeine to provide temporary relief. Clipped conversations and multi-tasking (pah! Is there any more laughable a concept?).

At least I was getting loads of recognition for my hard work, right? Appreciation, gratitude, praise. Raise after hard-earned raise. Good job, Michelle. Nice work, Michelle. Hmmm.

Eight years of law school, training, and a series of something’s missing jobs, and then one day – enough. I’m done.

So here’s my game plan: I am ready to live my life on my own terms. That’s it. Simple. Right?

I want to be myself and to work for myself. To take ownership of my output and to take control of my trajectory.

Through this blog I’ll be recording my experience of taking the leap into the unknown — of risking it all. What’s at stake? Money, reputation, the distinct and crushing possibility of public failure. If you want to know what that journey to the other side looks like — what it takes, how it pans out, whether it is really all its cracked up to be — then I welcome you to come along for the ride.

I’ll be writing about starting a business from scratch, because that is exactly what I will be living through. But I’ll also be writing about the process of identifying life goals and trying to actually pursue them, and not letting them languish on a to-do list. How do we make sure that we can make time for hobbies and experiences and new life skills?

I’ll be writing about career decisions and productivity in the broadest sense, and how the received wisdom needs to be updated for the globalised and connected world. Career 2.0, if you like. Everyone has a talent, a capacity, a gift; something that they can uniquely contribute to the world. I think that anyone who has been told that they should accept their lot, settle for what they’ve got and stop dreaming about loving their work because that’s only for people who are lucky or special in some unspecified way, has been robbed of the freedom to make the most of their time on this planet.

And it’s not just careers. Health, family, happiness – the three most important things in life – all three deserve our focussed, undivided, undistracted attention. I’ll be giving them plenty.

I don’t claim to have the answers – yet. This isn’t a self-help blog per se. Instead I’ll be writing from real-life experience; I will be trying it, living it and doing it, and will report back with the results of my experiences — in real time. Day by day I’ll log my exploits, and my progress will be there (or not there) for everyone to see.

Your goals may be completely different to mine. But if you have ever dreamt of making a transition, of taking control of your life and living it how you think it should be lived, then follow my journey to find out what your Great Leap could be like.

Come with me down this barely trodden path. Suspend disbelief, let go of your pre-conceptions, and allow yourself to dream. It’s going to be a rough ride, of that I am certain. But who knows what wonders we’ll find along the way?